Dear Son,

I sit here on the eve of your birth, remembering all the moments. Remembering that we drove from St. Louis to Kansas City on this very afternoon, 6 years ago. Rushing to the hospital, hugging your birth mom, and returning to our hotel to wait (not sleep mind you, just wait). I remember the moment I laid eyes on you. I was already in love with the idea of you, but the moment my eyes gazed over every inch of your perfection, that love was no longer an idea, it was a living breathing thing.

This morning I sat and wondered yet again, what you would look like if you were still here in your earthly form.  I found this picture, taken a month before your death.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine SIX.

14729329_10154010837528595_1214818298176376635_n

WHAT DOES SIX LOOK LIKE?
Does six look like toes reaching all the way down to Momma’s knees when I hold you in my arms?
Does six look like a boy who can stand at my feet and reach up to touch my face?
Does six look like chasing you through the yard?
Does six look like riding a bicycle and going down slides all by yourself?
Does six look like playing in mud puddles with Aiden?
Does six look like jumping on the trampoline with your sisters?
Does six look like running errands in the truck with your Daddy?

Or does six look timeless and ageless?
Does it look like living more perfectly than this Momma can even imagine?
Does it look like air and light and freedom and joy and all things perfect colliding in the sky and ricocheting all over my heart.
Does it look effortless and whole and complete?

I know you’re not here to turn six, but my LOVE for you is six years old.
For six beautiful years I have loved you.
I hold that Love in the palm of my hand with honor.
I gaze at that Love with awe and breathe it in, so deeply in that nothing else matters.
So I’m choosing to ease into that new and unfamiliar space of celebrating another year of loving you.
Loving you without regard to time and space.
Loving you without my need to touch and smell and see you.
My love is big enough.
Big enough to transcend the separation and find you in the stillness of my very own heart.

It’s a six year old Love, and my LOVE will have birthday after birthday for as long as I live.

Your love fills me, my sweet son.
Six years of loving you, and that is exactly what this Momma will celebrate tomorrow.

1450808_10151748365083595_971327128_n

Photo courtesy of Sara LePage